To Forgive
by WeWillEatSandwiches
Summary: So I don't know how the Finale of season 9 and Season 10 are gonna play out but this is my version. Spoiler alert. Multi chapter. Trying to make sense of Arizona's actions. I know everyone has their opinions.
1. Chapter 1

As Arizona looked down and tied her shoelace the light caught her wedding ring. She stared at it for a minute before the woman sat on the bed behind her moved. What had she done?

"Arizona."

She stood and walked away from the bed.

"This was a mistake. I can't believe I... Oh God Callie."

"It's okay."

"No, she's never gonna forgive me."

"She doesn't have to know; I won't tell her."

"Maybe you're okay with this but I... how can I look her in the eye after this?"

As the reality of what she had done grew in her mind, the room began to spin. Arizona ran out of the room and started walking. She didn't know where to go. It was still night time but the hospital was busy because of the storm. She lost herself in the crowds until Alex paged saying he needed help with a patient. The rest of that night and day she avoided everyone she could. Especially Lauren. Especially Callie.

Eventually though her wife found her and started to walk towards the nurse's station where Arizona was charting. The blonde ran into the bathroom and locked the cubicle door. She leant her head against it and tears began to roll down her cheeks. Callie had followed her.

"Hey honey; are you okay?" The silence on the other side of the door made her really worried. "I know this can't be easy. The power going out and everyone panicking."

"It's not that."

"Then what?"

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"It was a mistake."

"Okay seriously Arizona, open the door."

Arizona watched her shaky hand as it moved towards the lock. She heard the sound of her wedding ring on the metal. She had to tell her. The door opened slowly and it broke Arizona's heart to see the concern on Callie's face.

"It didn't mean anything. I'm sorry. It was a mistake."

"No." Callie began to realise where this was going. "No." She repeated.

"She didn't mean anything."

"Who didn't?"

"Lauren. She didn't..."

"Don't you dare. Maybe it didn't mean anything to you but... I can't." The Latina felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. "When?"

"Last night."

"That's why you disappeared. I was worried!" She'd started yelling. "How could you do this?"

"Calliope..."

Slap. Callie's hand hit her wife's face like a whip. Arizona put her hand up to sooth the blow as her tears started afresh.

"Don't call me that. Not anymore. I can't deal with this right now."

And with that she was gone. The blonde locked the door again and slid down it till she was a crumbled miss on the floor.

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The two women avoided each other until the storm passed and they could leave. Lauren kept her distance too. Callie collected Sofia from day care and took her back to the apartment not sure of what was going to happen. She couldn't believe her Arizona had cheated.

The lights were off in the apartment apart from their bedroom. She put Sofia in her room; with all the disruptions of the last few days she was already asleep. Then she went to the other room and found Arizona packing a bag.

"Typical." Callie whispered to herself but her partner heard her.

"I'm not bailing."

"Sure looks like it."

"Do you want me to stay?" Arizona looked up and into Callie's eyes. She took the silence that followed as a no. "You need space. I'm trying to make this easier for you."

"Not sleeping with someone else would have made things easier."

"I'm not so sure." The blonde said under her breath.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Nothing. I'm gonna stay at Alex's for now; until we figure out what's going to happen."

"You think we can figure this out?" The Brunette was almost insulted by the very idea.

"Fine well until I sort myself out then." She zipped up the bag and through it over shoulder. "Can I say goodbye to Sofia?"

"No."

"Callie..."

"No." She interrupted. "You didn't care enough about this family to stay faithful so you don't get to say goodbye."

Arizona lowered her head and walked out of the room, past Callie and towards the door. Before she opened it she turned back around.

"I get that you hate me and maybe you always will. I don't even have an explanation for you but even if you never forgive me, I need you to know that I really do love you. I'm sorry."

Before her wife could respond Arizona left.


	2. Chapter 2

Day three.

Three days passed and Arizona had heard nothing. The day after telling Callie she came in to work to be told that her wife had taken some time off. When she went to the apartment it was empty. She was sat in the attending locker room trying to ignore all of the looks from her friends and colleagues and waiting for Alex to finish so they could leave. She didn't need to see the disappointment in anybody else's face; she saw it in her own.

The door swung open and Arizona looked up hoping it was Karev. It was Bailey; she looked back down into her lap.

"Have you heard anything?" There it was; the disappointment in her voice.

"No. I've left her a million messages but she won't reply. I'm starting to take the hint. I just want to know where she is, you know, where she took Sofia."

Bailey sat down in front of the blonde.

"I'm just so ashamed." Arizona continued.

"Why'd you do it?" Good old Bailey straight to the point.

"I... I don't really know. The worst thing is that it was easy. In that moment it was easy. I know that makes me an even more horrible person but it was. Callie... Callie was what I stayed alive for; out in those woods she was what I fought for. Something changed."

"What?"

"Me. Us; we changed."

"How?"

"I don't know."

"Did you ever get help?"

"How'd you mean?"

"You were in a plane that fell out of the sky. You were stranded for four days. The father of your child died and your wife had to decide to cut off your leg. That's a huge emotional trauma. Did you get any professional help afterwards?"

Arizona shook her head. "We... we were so focused on my leg and walking. I really just wanted to be better."

"I know; we all wanted you to be but maybe we forced it."

"That's not an excuse for what I did."

"No but maybe if you start seeing a counselor or something you might find an explanation. Torres will be back and she deserves an explanation. I don't know what's gonna happen with you two; I don't think I'd be able to forgive you but if you split up you need to get yourself sorted so you can stand on your own."

Bailey stood and left Arizona who was staring into space. She didn't pay attention to what was going on in the room for a while as she thought about what Bailey had said.

"Hey you ready to go?" Alex's voice broke the silence. Arizona stood up and started to follow him out the door but stopped when she saw another figure.

"Arizona." It was Lauren.

"Go away."

"I know you're upset but..."

"I ruined my whole life because of what I did with you so just go because I never want to see you again."

"You heard her, go!" Karev added.

"I'm going. I just came to say that I was leaving."

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Day 12

Arizona sat slumped in her chair listening to the others talk. She didn't want to contribute to the board meeting but felt like she should be there. As the meeting drew to an end Avery spoke up.

"Has anybody heard from Torres?" He asked the general room knowing that Arizona was as in the dark as everyone else.

Derek shifted nervously in his chair. "Yeah."

"Where is she?" Arizona asked.

"I'm not supposed to tell you; she really doesn't want you to..."

"She's got my daughter." She interrupted. "I just want to know where she is."

"Addison called and said Callie was with her but she refused to speak to us directly. She doesn't know when she'll be back."

"You can't really blame her." Cristina joined in the conversation.

Arizona got up and left the room.

"Cristina!" Meredith scolded.

"What she hurt Callie."

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Day 22

Owen hunt ran through the ER on a mission.

"Robbins." He greeted the person he was looking for.

"Hunt."

"I need to tell you that Torres is back and she's coming into work today."

Arizona's eyes widened and her heart rate sped up.

"Okay."

"I know you two... I need you to..." He was clearly at a loss for how to say this.

"You want us to be professional."

"Yeah."

"Callie's gonna..."

"She said she wants you to stay away from her."

"Is Sofia here too?"

"She didn't say but that might not be a good idea."

"I haven't seen my daughter in three weeks Owen." With that she left and made her way up to daycare.

Sure enough Sofia was in day care but Callie was nowhere to be seen.

"Momma." Arizona burst into tears as the word's came out of the little girl's mouth.

"Hey baby girl." The surgeon sat down on the floor and embraced her daughter when she crawled into her lap. She buried her face in Sofia's dark hair and held on like she was a life raft. She let go slightly when she heard another slightly muffled "Momma."

"I love you." Arizona whispered.

"Love you." She babbled in response before reaching for some building blocks.

All too soon her pager went off and she had to leave.

A few hours passed and Callie and Arizona had managed to avoid each other. Callie just didn't know how to react. She was angry. Of course she was pissed and upset. She felt like her whole life was in pieces around her but she just couldn't understand why it had happened.

She was filling out some charts when she spotted Arizona limping towards an on call room. Callie didn't know why but something made her walk to the door and knock on it.

"Go away."

The brunette closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Just hearing her voice made her gut hurt.

"Arizona."

"Callie?"

"Open the door." Her voice was stronger now. Insistent.

"I know you want to scream and yell and throw things at me Callie and I know I have no right to ask but can you just wait a little while longer. Please."

"Open the door. You at least owe me that Arizona."

She heard the lock click open and watched as her wife came into view. Arizona turned away very quickly and walked back further into the room.

Callie shut the door behind her again and re-locked it.


	3. Chapter 3

They stood opposite each other but Arizona was looking everywhere but her wife's eyes.

"You went to Sofia earlier." Callie stated; one of the staff had told her when she went to check on her.

"She's my daughter. You gonna slap me again?" The blonde finally looked up.

"No, I shouldn't have done that. I was just... I don't even know how to say how I felt, how I still feel."

"I'm sorry." Arizona turned to walk towards one of the beds. "I know you hate me..." At that point she lost her balance. Her leg had been painful for a while and she wasn't concentrating on staying balanced. Callie reached out and helped her stay standing from behind. Arizona's heart stopped for a second.

"You need to massage your leg right?" The brunette let go as she spoke.

"Yeah that's why I came in here." Arizona was confused. How was Callie not screaming at her? Instead she was trying to help?

"Go on then." The Latina instructed. An awkwardness fell over them as Callie stood back as Arizona removed her pants and then her leg and begun massaging what was left of it. Callie remained standing. "I do hate you. When I look at you I see everything that we had and what we were supposed to have. Then I see her and I just can't... it's like you set it all on fire and now I have to start again and I hate you for that. For that betrayal. That doesn't mean I can see you in pain and not check you're okay."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that. It doesn't make this okay."

"Did you forgive me for going to Africa?"

"What?... Yeah a long time ago. How the hell is that relevant?"

"No reason. Look about Sofia..."

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Callie looked at her pager.

"I have to go."

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Callie had been trying to lose herself in work. She was scrubbing out of surgery when Karev walked in.

"You need to let Arizona see Sofia."

"My family is none of your business Alex and I'm not stopping her."

"I mean for longer than a few minutes in day care."

"Karev, stay out of this."

"She screwed up, screwing that chick but you gonna tell me you've never made a mistake?"

"What are you talking about?"

"How'd you get Sofia?"

"Me and Arizona weren't together then! If you remember she left me at the airport!"

"I'm not trying to equate the two. You weren't married and you didn't have a kid. I know that but you were sleeping with somebody else even though you loved her. You know she loves you."

"You don't hurt people you love, not like this."

"Please just think about letting Sofia stay with her one night. She's already lost one parent and you can't keep her away from Arizona. More importantly you shouldn't."

Karev was about to leave after saying his piece.

"She didn't look good earlier. She was in a lot of pain and just seemed exhausted."

"Yeah well crying yourself to sleep every night can be pretty tiring."

"I'm not gonna feel sorry for her."

"You don't have to. You don't even need to forgive her. You just need to be civil enough for your daughter's sake."

"Will she be able to cope? If she is tired."

"I'll be there and you can check in with me."

"I'll think about it."

"Thank you. Is it stupid to ask how you are?"

"Incredibly."

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"You paged?" Arizona was surprised when Callie had said to meet in one of the exam rooms.

"Yeah."

"Are you leaving again?" The blonde asked when she noticed the bag on the table next to Callie.

"No, it's an overnight bag for Sofia."

"Sofia?"

"Yeah, I thought she could stay with you tonight. If that's what you want."

"Yes." She responded immediately. "Yes, thank you Callie."

"Well she is your daughter legally too."

"Right."

"And in every other way that matters; you're her Mom"

"I really missed her."

"Yeah she missed you too. I know I shouldn't have left like I did but I needed more space. I should have told you where we were but I really wanted to hurt you."

"That's why you ignored my messages. I knew she was safe. She was with you."

"I should have let you say goodbye."

"You were angry."

"I still am but it's not fair to take that out on Sofia."

"No, that's true." Arizona picked up the bag.

"I lied earlier."

"What?"

"When you asked about Africa. I think I felt like I had to forgive you not because I had slept with Mark and that somehow balanced us out. The thought of having a kid without you made my head spin so I told myself I'd forgiven you so you'd stay."

"Oh."

"You better go; day care's gonna be closing soon."

"Yeah. Thanks."

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Arizona picked up her glass of water and began walking towards the stairs when she heard a phone buzzing across the table. It was Alex's but something made her pick up when she saw the caller ID.

"Hello."

"Oh sorry I must have clicked on the wrong name by mistake."

"No you didn't. Alex left his phone downstairs."

"Where's Sofia?"

"Upstairs asleep; I just came down to get a drink. You're checking up on me aren't you?"

"Karev said you've been struggling and I know Sofia is safe with you but..."

"You're a Mom and you're worried. You also don't trust me anymore. I get it."

"I trust you as a parent Arizona; just not as a wife."

"You were right. I hate that you were and I'd do anything to change it though."

"How'd you mean?"

"When I came back from Africa you said you didn't want me in your life because you were sure I'd hurt you again."

"I wish I was wrong."

"I'm sorry." She couldn't control the sobs anymore. "I don't care if you think it's meaningless; I'm gonna keep saying it."

"It's late. I'll see you tomorrow."

"I love you Callie."

"Don't... don't say that. I can't deal with that right now Arizona."

"Okay."

"Goodnight."

After Callie had hung up Arizona wiped her tears and went back to her daughter. Sofia was all she had left.


	4. Chapter 4

Callie hung up the phone and wiped her eyes of the unshed tears. She looked around the apartment and felt like the emptiness was going to swallow her whole. Just over a year ago she and Arizona would be trying to get Mark to leave after dinner so they could cuddle on the sofa or go straight to bed. Sofia would be in her room but the sound of slight crackling over baby monitor would let them all know she was settled. How things had changed.

Just then there was a knock at the door. Her plan was to ignore it.

"Torres."

There was no way to ignore Bailey. She forced herself to move and found her friend on the other side of the door.

"I heard Robbins has got Sofia tonight." When Callie nodded she continued. "Well I brought this then." Bailey held up a bottle of wine.

"I did enough of that when I was with Addison." The Latina opened the door and let the other woman in as she spoke.

After grabbing a couple of glasses both of them sat on the sofa.

"I don't suppose it helped; getting away."

"No. Not really. I mean it did at first but every time I looked at my phone there she was. Thousands of messages. I just deleted them all."

"Do you wish you hadn't come back?"

Callie leant forwards and rubbed her eyes with the heel of her palms. "No. I mean I wanna throw up whenever I see her but Sofia kept saying "Momma". We're always gonna be connected because of her so... You know a month ago Arizona was trying to convince me to buy this house she'd found online." She laughed an empty laugh. "Now look."

"Has she mentioned anything about seeing a shrink?"

"No. Why?"

"I suggested it to her; with everything that's happened."

"Well this whole thing does feel insane but that's never gonna happen."

"Why not?"

"Arizona Robbins doesn't ask for help. She won't even accept it when it's offered."

"I think her infidelity has made her see how badly she needs it. Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah." Callie said as she reached for her glass and downed the lot in one gulp.

"Do think the Arizona you married could have done this?"

"I don't think I know anymore."

"Well there is no way I would have performed that ceremony if I had any doubt."

"A lot has changed since then."

"She said the same thing."

"That doesn't make it okay."

"Nothing will ever make it okay Callie. You know you've changed a lot. The Torres I knew all those years ago would have torn the place apart looking for that woman."

"Maybe I'm just too tired now. I've just got to focus on my daughter."

"Have you spoken to a lawyer yet?"

"Well legally speaking we aren't married so..."

"I mean about Sofia."

"Hadn't got that far yet. I guess we're gonna have to share custody."

"I'm sorry."

"I am so sick of hearing people say that. She keeps saying it but I don't want an apology."

"She really is sorry."

"I know that. I just don't understand what happened."

"Have you asked her?"

"No."

"Maybe you should."

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When Arizona arrived to drop Sofia off at day care the next morning, Callie was waiting for them.

"Hey mija" She said as she took the little girl into her arms.

"Mommy." The girl replied as Callie kissed her cheek.

"Was she okay? When we were away she was fussy. It took her a few days to get settled somewhere else."

"She was great." The blonde focused her attention back on their daughter. "I'll see you later big girl."

"Wait." The Latina stopped Arizona as she was about to leave and put Sofia down. She gestured for the other woman to follow her outside the room. "We need to talk."

"Okay."

"About what happened."

"I don't have an explanation for you yet."

"We aren't doing this on your terms Arizona. You cheated on me. You broke my heart. So I have questions that you are gonna answer."

"Okay. When?"

"Now."

"I can't."

"Get Karev to cover your patients."

"No I have an appointment I can't reschedule it."

"Appointment?"

"Up in Psych." Arizona looked down at the floor.

"You're actually seeing a shrink?" Callie asked in disbelief.

"Yeah."

"Is that why you asked me about Africa yesterday."

The blonde nodded.

"So you talk about us?"

"Well you're kind of; well you were at least an integral part of my life and this whole trauma thing. If you don't want me to then I'll..."

"No. You need to get the help you need. For Sofia's sake."

"So when do you wanna talk?"

"Tonight. Come to the apartment."

"Okay."

Callie walked back into day care to spend a few more minutes with Sofia before starting work. Arizona left for her appointment.


	5. Chapter 5

Knock! Knock! Knock!

Arizona stood at her old apartment door waiting for Callie to let her in. She didn't want to be there. The truth is she was fighting every instinct to walk away. She knew her wife, ex-wife, deserved to hear answers to all her questions but she also knew how much pain it would cause.

Suddenly the door swung open. There was no greeting from either of them as Arizona walked in. She waited for Callie to sit down, aware that this was no longer her home.

"Where's Sofia?" That was safe ground.

"Bailey said she'd take her for tonight. I didn't think it was right to have her in the next room while we talk about this." The Latina explained as she gestured for Arizona to take a seat on the sofa opposite to where she was sat. "What happened?"

"With Lauren?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure that's where you wanna start?"

"Yes!" Callie yelled. "Right now I still can't believe you did it. So I need to watch the words come out of your mouth if I have any chance of getting past it."

Arizona swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

"There had been flirting."

"Her or you?"

"Her but I joined in. We'd done this surgery and it had been successful. She told me that she wanted to sleep at the hospital in case something went wrong with the patient. I showed her to an on call room. I knew that was stupid; that it was dangerous."

"Because you wanted to sleep with her?"

"I was attracted to her. I hadn't really thought that far ahead."

"What next?"

The blonde stared down at her wedding ring. She knew Callie had stopped wearing hers but couldn't bring herself to do the same just yet. She twisted it around her finger.

"Arizona!" She snapped her head up to look into those brown eyes. "What next?"

"I showed her to a room. We were saying goodbye. We hugged and then the power went out."

"Stop stalling." Callie spoke with a stern voice.

"Then we were kissing. I don't know who kissed who first but we both were. I stopped it. I went to leave."

"But you didn't!" The brunette was starting to lose her temper completely.

"It was easier to stay. I wanted easy."

"It was easy to turn your back on us?"

"Yes." Arizona's voice was quiet and full of shame.

"Well was it worth it? Was she good?" Callie spat. She looked like she was going to jump across the coffee table at any moment.

"No!" Arizona stood up. "Callie, that helps nobody."

"Why her? Because she was blonde and hot?"

"No."

At that point Callie stood up too. "Why her?" She screamed.

"She wasn't you." As soon as the words came out of her mouth Arizona knew there was no going back.

"What does that mean?"

"She looked me up on the internet and saw all about my career. She knew about the crash but she didn't see me as the product of a load tragic events."

"I don't see you that way."

"But that's what I am!"

"So how wasn't she like me?" Both women were now shouting.

"She didn't break her promise!" Arizona was shaking. She buried her head in her hands as the realisation grew on Callie's face.

"The leg! What I broke my promise to you so you had to break the one you made in our vows?"

"Not intentionally. I didn't set out to but yeah."

"I did it to save your life!"

"But I begged you not to!"

The blonde went to leave. She couldn't do anymore of this right now. As she got to the door Callie spoke again.

"Your never gonna forgive me for cutting it off, are you?" Her voice had returned to normal even if it was strained. Arizona could almost hear the tears in how she spoke.

Without turning around she replied. "Well your never gonna forgive me for cheating so what does it matter now." Then she left.


	6. Chapter 6

Lauren Boswell was back. Callie knew that but was yet to see her around the hospital. She was probably doing the smart thing and avoiding the Latina. Arizona seemed to be doing the same thing. Although to be fair Callie was avoiding her too. The two of them hadn't spoken since their last argument in the apartment a few days previously. After what was said it felt right to let the dust settle. Perhaps some of the anger would dissipate too but that seemed unlikely, for both of them.

The problem Callie now had was that Sofia missed her Momma. That was why she was stood outside day care. She knew that Arizona spent every lunch time up here with their daughter. After a short time the blonde appeared in the corridor and stopped suddenly when she saw Callie.

"Hey." She never knew how they were supposed to greet each other now.

"I thought maybe you'd want Sofia tonight." Callie just wasn't going to bother saying hello anymore.

"I..." Arizona trailed off. Her expression made it look like she was trying to make a difficult calculation. "I can't." She eventually said.

"Why not?" The anger was back in Callie's voice.

"I just can't."

"Is that all I get?"

"I thought you said you trusted me." Arizona didn't have the same fight in her tone.

"As a parent. I don't think you refusing to look after your daughter is a parental decision!"

Arizona looked around and was grateful the hallway was empty. "What do you mean?"

"Boswell, the woman you screwed in an on call room."

"What does that have to do with tonight?"

"Well if you're choosing spending the night with her over Sofia; I don't know maybe go for round two!"

"I'm on pills!" Arizona finally yelled back.

"What?"

"Dr Haynes, my shrink, she prescribed me these anti-depressants. They've been making me feel tired and I'd rather wait till I've adjusted to them before I'm responsible for our daughter."

"Oh." Was all the brunette could say.

"Happy now?" Arizona lowered her head and tried to make herself as small as possible

"Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Because it's private Callie. Now I need to check on a patient."

"Yeah, sorry. Go."

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A few hours later when there was a break in her schedule Callie made her way up to Dr Haynes' office. She didn't really know why. Her and Arizona were over. Sofia. That's why she was there. To make sure Sofia was going to be okay.

After knocking a few times on the door she heard a voice on the other side telling her to come in. Inside she found a woman at a desk. She wore a white lab coat over her dress. Dr Haynes looked to be in her early thirties. She was attractive but her appearance was understated.

"Hi." Callie eventually found her voice. "I'm Dr. Torres."

"Calliope." Haynes replied.

"Um, Callie. I prefer Callie."

"Oh, Arizona always calls you Calliope."

"You know who I am?"

"Well, Arizona told me you were a doctor here and what your surname was so..."

"Oh, right."

"Did you want to come in or stay at the door?" Haynes asked when Callie made no movement further into the room. The Latina just nodded and sat down opposite the other woman.

"You've put her on anti-depressants."

"Yes well your wife..."

"Ex-wife." Callie interrupted.

"Sorry, your ex-wife has been resistant to that for a while. Considering the trauma she has been through and the delay in getting psychological help I wanted to prescribe them sooner."

"We had an argument."

"Yes, that is what changed things."

"Sorry, I know you can't tell me anything."

"Actually I can. It's highly unorthodox and goes against every rule in the book but Arizona has said that I should answer any question you have about her treatment. As long as Arizona and I have discussed it, I can tell you. I'd never normally agree to it but it seemed as though she wouldn't get any help unless I did."

"Why?"

"Well we haven't actually discussed that yet so I can't really say. However it is possible that she wants transparency because she doesn't want to hurt you anymore if she can help it but this recovery is a complicated process and she might not be able to give you all the information you need. So this argument..."

"Is this the part where I start talking about my problems?"

Dr. Haynes tilted her head slightly and smiled. "If you like? Or we could start with your point of view rather than a problem. I know from Arizona that something came to the surface; a possible cause of her infidelity." She prompted.

"She was getting back at me for breaking my promise. I asked her why she slept with Boswell and she kind of just screamed at me that she'd never broken her promise. Is that why you think she did it?"

The woman behind the desk leant forwards with her forearms on the wood.

"It's complicated. I suggested that was a factor. Arizona refused to believe it. She's disagreed with most of my suggestions actually. When the two of you were arguing though she probably wasn't thinking too much about why it happened. Through her frustration she revealed something that was buried in her unconscious. She revealed it to herself as much as she did to you."

"That's what made her change her mind about the anti-depressants." Callie realised aloud.

"Correct. If it helps I don't believe she did what she did to hurt you intentionally."

"But deep down she hated me enough to cheat."

"As I said that is one factor."

"What were the others?"

"I can't tell you that."

"She hasn't discussed it with you yet?"

"Not yet."

Callie thought for a minute before speaking again. "So arguing helped?"

"In a way. It's more that you force her to face these things and to talk about them. She wants to get better for the sake of your daughter but also for you. She feels like she let herself get so self destructive that she hurt you in the process. I'd suggest maybe not confronting her the way you did before though. I know you want answers but..."

"What about a session with you?" Callie interrupted.

"That sounds like a good idea; I could schedule you in next week."

"No, I mean the both of us."

"You mean like couples therapy?"

"I guess; except that we aren't together now."

"Do you think she would agree to it?"

"Aren't you supposed to know that?" Callie asked.

"You know her better than I do."

"I'm not so sure anymore. The Arizona I knew wouldn't cheat. Ever. She'd do it for Sofia though." Callie reasoned.

"Callie, she'd do it for you." Haynes insisted.

"I'll talk to her."

"Okay; it was good to meet you." She offered her hand which the Latina shook before standing up.

"Yeah, you too."

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Arizona had fallen asleep on the sofa as soon as she got back from work. Her phone vibrated across the table but did nothing to rouse her. Alex happened to be walking past though and picked it up.

"Hello." He answered.

"Karev?" It was Callie; she sounded panicked.

"Yeah, Robbins is asleep. What's up?"

"It's Sofia."

"What's wrong with Sofia?" He asked before the phone was ripped out of his hand,

"What's wrong with Sofia?" Arizona repeated. She was suddenly awake.

"She's sick." The blonde could hear the distress in her tone. "She's got a fever and she's thrown up a few times."

"I'll be right there." Arizona said without thinking. For a second the Latina worried about Arizona being in the apartment again but with their little girl being ill, all of that soon faded away.

"Thank you." Was all she could say.

"Callie, it's probably just a bug." Arizona reassured her.

"I know but still..."

"I'll be right there." She repeated.

Not long after and the blonde was walking into Sofia's bedroom. Callie was holding a wet cloth to their daughter's forehead.

"Sorry, you don't mind do you? I let myself in." Arizona whispered in an attempt not to panic the toddler.

Callie just shook her head as Arizona sat on the other side of the bed. She stroked Sofia's hair.

"Hey big girl." She soothed. "Not feeling so good huh?"

"Momma." She strained herself to say.

"Hey, it's okay." Arizona looked to Callie. "What's her temperature?"

"102. It was 103 earlier."

"When was she last sick?"

"About ten minutes before I called you." The brunette finally looked up to meet her eye for a moment before Sofia got her attention again.

"Mommy."

"It's okay mija. Momma and I are here."

"You know even big girls need to rest when they're sick." Arizona said as she continued to stroke her dark hair. "And when you were a baby and you were sick your Mommy would sing to you and make it all better." She looked up again, this time meeting those deep brown eyes. "Isn't that right?"

"Yeah." Callie responded.

Sofia lay watching them intently. She nuzzled closer into Arizona's side as her other Mom started to sing. She sang the words to an old lullaby in Spanish. Arizona only knew it from hearing Callie sing it to their daughter. It didn't take long for Sofia to fall asleep and the blonde gently settled her in the bed.

Both women made their way into the kitchen. They closed the bedroom door a jar.

"Sorry for dragging you over here." Callie started. "I just got worried."

"It's okay. If she ever breaks her arm you'll have me screaming down the phone at you." That almost got a smile out of the Latina.

"How'd you get here anyway?"

"Alex drove me. I didn't exactly work out how to get home though. Guess I'll have to call a taxi."

"No, stay here. It's late and with Sofia sick I'll sleep better knowing we're both watching over her."

"Are you sure?" That was the last thing Arizona had been expecting.

"No and Dr. Haynes probably won't be very happy about it but right now we're parents first. I'll just go get the stuff to make up the couch. Or there is still Mark's place?"

"No. That would be too weird. The couch is good. Closer... to Sofia I mean."

"Yeah. I know what you meant. Thank you for coming Arizona."

"Parents first right?"

"Right."


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning Callie woke up and walked out into the kitchen. There was a cup of coffee waiting for her just the way she always liked it. Arizona came out of Sofia's room.

"This is weird right." The blonde said.

"Very." Callie agreed as she picked up the cup.

"I made myself one and sort of did it automatically." She explained.

"Yeah; thank you. How is she?"

"Her temperature is still high and she was sick again in the night."

"What? Why didn't you wake me?"

"I handled it. I was gonna get you but you were fast asleep and looked like you needed the rest."

"Well she can't go to day care but I don't think I can take any more time off." The Latina thought allowed before taking a sip of her coffee.

"I could take a day and stay with her." Arizona offered tentatively.

"What, here?"

"If that works best."

"Yeah okay; I'll go take a shower and get dressed."

When Callie returned Arizona was sat on the sofa with her phone in her hand, staring into space.

"Did you talk to Hunt?" She broke the silence to say.

"Yeah he said it was fine."

"Look if this is gonna be too difficult, being in the apartment, then we can work something else out."

"No, don't be ridiculous. Sofia needs me. You mentioned Haynes last night."

"Yeah I spoke to her yesterday. She explained about the whole transparency thing. Are you sure you want that?"

"Definitely."

"We thought maybe a joint session with her would be good. Me and you. I mean we're always gonna end up yelling when we talk about it."

"What she can act as referee?"

"Yeah and maybe it'll help. She can work out what we're really saying or whatever shrinks do."

"That sounds good." Arizona agreed.

"You staying here today has nothing to do with the fact that Boswell is in the hospital does it?"

"No Sofia's sick." Arizona insisted until Callie tilted her head slightly and spoke.

"Be honest; this isn't gonna work otherwise."

"I... I don't want to see her. She keeps trying to talk to me but..."

The blonde got lost in her thoughts as her sentence trailed off.

"I'm gonna say goodbye to Sofia. You'll call me if anything changes right?"

"Of course."

Callie was in their daughter's room a while before emerging again.

"Wait!" Arizona suddenly said when Callie's hand was on the door handle. "Avery wants to offer Lauren a job."

"What?" The Latina asked as she turned back to face the other woman.

"I told him it was a bad idea but she's a great surgeon and he thinks she'd be a great asset to the hospital. I thought you should know."

"I'll talk to him." She replied with anger before leaving quickly. Arizona wanted to ask her to calm down and not do anything stupid until she remembered she didn't have the right anymore.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX

"You've got to be kidding me!" Callie yelled across the conference room. She'd cornered Avery in there and asked him about what Arizona had said.

"She's a great surgeon." He defended.

"It's a really bad idea."

"She'll bring in funding and incredible cases for this hospital. I get that things are difficult between you but this isn't a personal thing. It's professional. I'm offering her the job."

Callie wanted to yell some more but her pager went off. "This isn't over." She warned as she left.

As it turned out that page got her dragged into a long surgery. By the time she had finished her day was almost over. She checked her phone but there were no messages from Arizona. At first she was worried but then she realised that she had to get used to not taking care of Sofia all the time. It wasn't always going to be a joint effort anymore. That made her sad. Sad until she saw her.

Boswell was stood at the nurse's station reading a chart. Before she could stop herself Callie was stood next to her.

"We need to talk." The brunette declared. She had to clench her fists when Lauren turned around to hold onto the desire to punch her in the face.

"Okay." The other woman said coolly.

"Well I need to talk; you're gonna listen."

"Okay, you kicked Arizona out. You're not together anymore. What she does is her business."

"But what she did is also my business. What she did with you. And I didn't kick her out. She moved out to get her head together. I'm not saying this as a wife or an ex-wife. I'm saying this as a mother. Arizona has really bad PTSD. You don't know her. I don't either anymore but I did. Now I can see what state she is in. But she's made progress over the last month. I'm not gonna stop her from being with you. I can't. You should know though that if being with you stops her recovery or makes her go back to how she was, she'll lose the only thing that still really matters in all this. Sofia. Arizona can't lose her but if she ever isn't safe with her, I will stop her from seeing Sofia. Arizona knows that. She agrees with that. So just think about that before you make your next move."

The Latina walked away before there was a reply. She thought about what she had just said. That she wouldn't try to stop Arizona from being with another person. God things had gotten messed up.

She left the hospital as soon as possible. When she got back to the apartment Arizona was pulling sheets out of the dryer.

"Are those Sofia's? How is she?" She asked as she pulled off her shoes and jacket.

"Better. Her temperature is down and she hasn't been sick since about ten this morning. I was about to make her some toast. See if she could keep it down."

"What about the sheets?"

"Oh, they were a casualty this morning."

"When she threw up?"

"Yeah and so were these." Arizona said as she held up a pair of pyjamas before folding them.

"Oh they're her favourite. Your parents bought her them for Christmas."

"Yeah I know."

Both of them stood smiling at each other. They hadn't done that in a while. The smiles grew sad when the feeling of being like a family again just felt painful.

"Karev said he'd be here in about ten minutes to take you home." Callie said.

"Thanks. I'll just go and say goodbye to her." Arizona put the last of the washing on the counter top and went into the bedroom. Callie stayed at the door. "Hey big girl."

"Momma." Sofia replied with a bit more energy than the night before.

"I've got to go now."

"No!" Sofia screamed and Arizona pulled her into a hug.

"Yeah, I'm sorry baby. I'll see you tomorrow though."

"Lunch."

"Yeah, and if your still not well you can come be with me at the hospital." She turned to Callie and explained "I can find space on my ward if she's still sick." To which Callie nodded.

"Mommy and Momma." Sofia cried. Arizona couldn't look the little girl in the eye anymore.

"Momma's got to go but you can stay with her tomorrow night." Callie stepped in.

"Really?" Sofia asked as she put her tiny hand in Arizona's.

"Yeah. You can stay with me. Bye baby. I love you so much." She said, hugging her again.

She got up and planned on walking straight out the door but Callie needed to say something to her.

"Arizona." That stopped the blonde. "If Boswell makes you happy. If she can make you better, then you should be with her. Avery is pretty determined to give her a job and she seems like she wants to stay so..." Callie stumbled over what to say next. How was she giving this the green light?

"I don't want her. I mean... I don't know what I want but I'm pretty sure it's not her."

"Well you need to tell her because I don't think she'll leave until she hears that. Are we still on for tomorrow? With Haynes?"

"Yeah. Call me if Sofia needs to be in peds tomorrow. I'll sort it out." She turned to leave but Callie's voice stopped her again.

"Thank you for looking after her."

"You shouldn't have to thank me Callie."

"I know."


	8. Chapter 8

Arizona sat on the couch in Dr. Haynes's office. She wiped her sweaty palms on her scrub pants. She'd been here before but it was different this time. The woman was sat across from her like always in her chair but instead of waiting for answers, right now they were both waiting for Callie.

"You're nervous." Haynes observed.

"You're good, I can see why you charge so much." The blonde replied sarcastically.

"I thought we were passed the using sarcasm as a defence stage?"

"The last time me and Callie really spoke about what I did we yelled and screamed and..."

"You saw something in yourself that you didn't like. You realised the resentment you hold onto." The shrink finished.

"Yeah."

"But you're better off because of it. Right?"

"Callie isn't though. I don't want to hurt her anymore."

"She wants answers though. And this was her idea; you both being here was her suggestion. You know this is a safe place Arizona. You called her Callie."

"What?" The blonde shook her head in order to try and remain focused.

"Up until today you always called her Calliope. Why the change?"

"She doesn't want me to call it her anymore. I could in front of you but now I don't want to slip into the habit when she is here."

"Why is it significant?"

"I used to call it her; when we were first together and married. I sort of stopped though. It's her full name but she hates it. She never stopped me saying it until..."

"Until?" Haynes knew but she wanted Arizona to say it.

"Until I cheated."

Just then Callie came through the door looking tired and stressed.

"Sorry I'm late." She said as she sat down on the couch, a comfortable distance from Arizona.

"How's Sofia?" That was their new way of saying hello.

"Okay, I got her settled in peds. Thanks for the bed."

"It's okay." Arizona smiled. "She can still stay with me tonight, right?" She couldn't help how desperate she sounded.

"Yeah, of course."

Dr. Haynes cleared her throat to get their attention.

"Sorry, can I just..." Callie paused and turned back to Arizona. "Did you talk to Boswell?"

"Not yet." Arizona suddenly felt her throat close up and she took a deep breath. Callie kept looking at her though. "Avery can't give her a job though without it going through the board and I spoke to Derek. Him and the others will vote as we do."

"Why are you so reluctant to talk to Lauren?" Haynes asked.

"Why'd you think?" The blonde couldn't hold eye contact with the Latina anymore and looked down at her lap.

"Are you scared of what might happen?" Haynes pushed.

When all she did was nod in return Callie spoke.

"You think you'll screw her again." Her tone was icy.

"No. I don't know. I don't trust myself anymore though. I didn't think I wanted to be with anyone other than you before but then I did. I don't want things to get anymore screwed up."

"I spoke to her." Callie confessed.

"What?" Arizona snapped her head back up.

"I told her that she needed to be careful not to affect your recovery. I don't know what is gonna happen with us. I'm not gonna give you any false hope here Arizona. It's important that you get better though. It's important to me."

"Well," Haynes interrupted, "How about you talk to Callie about what we discussed in our last session Arizona?" She suggested.

The blonde was hesitant so Haynes started speaking to Callie who was now staring forward.

"As you know your argument triggered a reaction in Arizona. We discussed her resentment. The reasons behind it..."

"I cut off her leg." Callie finished as she turned back to the woman on the couch. "Would you rather I'd let you die?" There was no response. "Arizona look at me." She demanded and blue eyes lifted to meet hers. "I know you know that I made the decision to save your life so if you hate me this much... the alternative. Would you prefer the alternative?" She asked again.

She watched as Arizona closed her eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath in. "Sometimes." She exhaled. "I know it's selfish. I know Sofia would have lost a parent. Another parent. I know you'd have lost your wife but then you did anyway so..."

"Wouldn't you have done anything to save my life? If it had been me?"

"Yes but... It's not all the time; not wanting to be here. It's sometimes. I can't help it."

Haynes spoke up. "When we spoke last time, Arizona, you talked about something else."

"Oh great! Why else do you hate me?"

"Callie, you might want to hold off on the hostility."

"Ha! What do you expect me to be other than hostile? After everything we've survived. Even just in the last year. Mark. The bankruptcy. The plane!"

"You weren't on the plane!" Arizona screamed.

"What?"

"You weren't on the plane. You keep acting like you were but you weren't." Still yelling.

"How do I?"

"The survivor's dinner. Buying the hospital. You're trying to be one of us."

"I lost..."

"I know what you lost. Mark. Your best friend. Sofia's father."

"And you! As it turns out I lost you too." Callie's voice was small now.

"And I lost myself!" Arizona used what was left of her voice to scream before beginning to sob.

"Arizona feels like you don't understand the level of trauma she has sustained." When Callie just scoffed in response Haynes explained further. "Not truly; she spent four days in the woods."

"How am I supposed to know, to understand, when she never talked about it?" Callie complained.

"Well Arizona, why don't you try to tell Callie about it now?"

"It feels like a nightmare." The blonde wiped her eyes with the back of her hand before looking up at Haynes. "The more I talk about it the more real it becomes."

"But it is real Arizona. It did happen and that's why we're here. Hasn't all this proven that? You can't move on until we've dealt with this." The Latina tried to persuade.

The shrink nodded in agreement not feeling the need to interfere right now.

After a few minutes Arizona spoke. "It's all been so out of my control. Ever since Karev said he was going to Hopkins. I tried to take it back by getting on that plane. I was going to do the surgery myself. If I hadn't none of this would have happened to us. I don't remember the plane actually crashing. I woke up screaming. At first I didn't even know why. Then came the pain. I ripped my pants and saw my bone. I was laughing then."

"Laughing?" Callie asked in confusion and the other woman turned back to face her.

"I was married to an orthopaedic surgeon and staring at my bone in two pieces. And I was in shock. Everybody else was sort of busy with Lexie and Derek. Cristina offered to splint my leg with some belts or something but I ended up doing it myself."

"You splinted your own leg?"

"Lot of good it did me." Arizona laughed bitterly.

"Arizona." Haynes warned.

"It... I was so scared Callie. I was so... so fucking scared. And cold. God it was cold and dark. I just wanted to sleep but I was scared Mark wouldn't be there when I woke up. If I woke up. Cristina kept yelling at us and shaking us to keep us awake. I did fall asleep though once and I had this dream." Arizona shook her head.

"You never mentioned a dream before." Haynes said.

"I... It was stupid. It was definitely not real and never will be again now so..."

"Arizona?" It was Callie who spoke.

"I was out of it."

"Was it comforting?" The woman in the chair asked.

"Yeah; until I woke up and then everything felt so... When I realised it wasn't real I... lost hope."

"What happened?"

Arizona eventually gave in.

"I was sat in the woods but I was alone. Then you appeared out of the trees and stood in front of me with your hand out. I looked down and my leg was fine. You were smiling at me. It felt so real. I took your hand and I could have sworn... you led me through the woods. We ended up at Derek's trailer."

"Valentine's day." Callie whispered.

"Yeah."

"You thought we were camping."

"Yeah... um then we... you know did Valentine's day... activities."

"You had a sex dream?" Callie was almost laughing at the absurdity.

"No that wasn't the important part. It was the being close to you. We lay there for ages afterwards; in the dream. Wrapped up in each other. I was safe. Then... then we were back at the apartment and we were in bed but... clothed. Sofia started crying and you went to go settle her but she wouldn't. You bought her back to our room and... I held her." The blonde was crying and grabbed a tissue before passing the box to Callie. She had tears on her cheeks too. "I thought I'd lost that. I got the chance to have all of that back again and... look what I did with it."

"Arizona."

"I'm sorry."

"I know. And I know that you mean it." The Latina dabbed her eyes dry. "Thank you for opening up about it."

"What more could I lose."

The unavoidable sound of a pager interrupted them. It was Arizona's.

"I... I can't." She took a deep breath to compose herself. "I have to go." And so she left without making eye contact with either of the other two women.

"Well," Dr. Haynes began. "That was intense."

"I... I've had a year to imagine. To think about what it was like. None of them ever talk about it. To hear her actually... she must have just felt so lost. She never really came back did she?"

"No. I don't think so. We have half a session left if you wanted to talk."

"Is it really a good idea both of us seeing you professionally?"

"I just suggested talking."

"Okay. What do you want to talk about?"

"Why don't we start at the beginning. How did you and Arizona meet?"

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**Author's Note: Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I was dealing with exam stuff. I should now have more regular chapters. Thank you for reading. X**


	9. Chapter 9

"Why don't we start at the beginning? How did you and Arizona meet?"

"She didn't tell you?" Callie asked, confused.

"Yes but you are a separate person with your own point of view."

"She kissed me in a bar bathroom." The Latina shrugged.

"Why are trying to make it sound like it was nothing?" Haynes queried.

"Was I that obvious?"

"You love Arizona; surely how you met was significant to you?"

"Yeah... Well when I thought she was the love of my life, it made me happy to talk about how we met and the ridiculous stuff that happened before we actually went out but now..." Callie faltered.

"Now?"

"It makes me sad."

"You don't think she is the love of your life anymore?"

"I don't think I want her to be anymore."

"You didn't argue a second ago when I said that you love her."

"I can't just switch that off. I mean I hate her for what she did but..."

"It's entirely possible to love somebody and hate them at the same time." Haynes explained.

"Sure; Arizona did that for the last year."

"Maybe you should start asking different questions." The therapist suggested.

"What?"

"You want answers and closure. You need to understand if you want a conclusion to all of this or a resolution. First you need helpful answers though and so maybe you should ask yourself some new questions."

"Like?"

"Do you want to love Arizona?"

"I don't even recognise her anymore."

"So wait till she recovers."

"You think she will?"

"Yes." Haynes promised.

"You think she will come back?"

"Yes; but she'll have changed. Again."

"Maybe I'm just in love with who she used to be." Callie asked the question she had been ignoring for months.

"Who she used to be when?"

"When we first met."

"Why then?"

"I don't know. She was kind of perfect."

"She didn't want kids. That was a change. And it was for the better. Right?"

Callie ran her hands through her hair and sighed.

"I was lonely and upset. That's why I was in the bar bathroom. I was looking in the mirror trying to make it look like I hadn't been crying when she walked in. I saw her in the reflection and she looked..."

"Looked?" Haynes encouraged.

"Angelic. She had these blonde curls and bright blue eyes. She told me that she'd heard things about me because of the hospital gossip. She said that people really liked me and that when I was not so upset there..." Callie trailed off again and closed her eyes. She was trying not to get lost in the memory. Feeling joy from those early days now just resulted in pain when she remembered where they were now.

"There?" The other woman pressed.

"There would be people lining up for me." She let a smile escape. "When I asked her for some names she... She just tilted slightly and had this expression as if to say "Don't be ridiculous." That one head tilt made me feel... beautiful and sort after. She didn't even need to say anything. Then she kissed me. I was sort of shocked so I didn't really respond." The brunette opened her eyes and remembered she was in a shrink's office. Her wife's shrink. Her ex-wife. The shrink she was seeing for PTSD. The smile faded.

"You were not together straight away though."

"No I avoided her for a while."

"Why?"

"It didn't really seem like the start of a great love story." Her tone was icy again.

"But was it?"

"Sort of... I guess...but"

"Those who we love the most, who have the most love for us, also have the greatest capacity to hurt us."

"So why'd we bother?" Callie was genuinely struggling for an answer right now.

"Because we feel it's worth the risk, for the right person."

"I thought she was the right person. She used to be..."

"Give it time. The infidelity occurred barely a month ago. She only began to tackle her PTSD very recently."

"Yeah."

"You told Arizona that she could be with Lauren."

"Maybe we both just need to move on."

"Do you want to know what I think?"

"I'm not sure."

"If Arizona were to start a relationship you could continue to hold onto your resentment. Nobody would blame you for it. If she were to remain alone however, you would more likely have to face your emotions. Those of love care which you still have and are struggling with because they feel misplaced."

"I knew talking to a shrink was a mistake." Callie responded when she realised that she could n't argue.

"What you are feeling is very common and very understandable." Haynes tried to reassure.

"So how long will I feel like it?"

"I have no idea. Eventually though you will know if you want to resolve your problems or end your relationship."

"And if they can't be resolved?"

"Then you have your answer."


	10. Chapter 10

Twenty four hours after their joint session Arizona was back on the shrink's couch. Since they had left yesterday some things had developed and both women wanted to discuss it. Haynes decided to spend half a session with each of them. Arizona's turn was first.

"Why don't you tell me about the incident?" Haynes began.

"Which one? With Callie or Lauren?"

"Which happened first?"

"Lauren."

"There is a good place to start then."

"I knew that I needed to speak to her so when I saw her in radiology yesterday afternoon I told myself to stop being a coward and did it."

"And how did that conversation go?"

"I walked in to the room..."

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX X_

"_Oh hey." Boswell smiled innocently. "I've really wanted to talk to you. You know I hate the way things have gone between us."_

"_Listen Lauren..." Arizona started but she was interrupted._

"_I know what you're gonna say," She paused and took a step toward her. "But are you gonna tell me you don't feel this thing that's happening." All of a sudden she kissed Arizona. The lips on hers were as demanding as they had been the last time. The last time. No. Not again. Barely a second later Arizona pushed the other woman away._

"_Nothing's happening Lauren. I'm sorry but what we did was a mistake. This isn't gonna end with you and me walking hand in hand into the sun set. What I did in that on-call room was a symptom of my problems."_

"_Arizona you aren't that messed up!"_

"_Yeah I am. I slept with you!" Arizona yelled._

_Boswell looked like somebody had slapped her in the face._

"_You would know how messed up I have gotten if you'd known me before. But you didn't. You don't know me. I don't know me anymore. I was trying to ignore all of the crap that was going on in my life and in my marriage. In a fucked up way you really helped me to ignore it."_

"_Glad to be of service."Lauren remarked sarcastically._

"_If we had met five or six years ago... maybe things would be different but I love Callie. Now I've just got to get my head sorted and fix my life so it's stable enough. I've got to be a mother to my baby girl. That's all I've got to focus on now. And I'll hope and pray and apologise and just beg that one day Callie won't look at me... she won't look at me the way she does." Arizona wiped away a tear._

"_And I'm nowhere."_

"_You aren't getting that job Avery is talking about either. It has to go through the board..."_

"_And you and your wife are the board!"_

"_Ex-wife. Since I screwed up, she's not my wife anymore which makes sense seeing as I haven't been her wife since the crash. I can't have you in this hospital with her anyway. That's not fair to her. And Sofia is in the daycare and it's all just... sorry but it's too much."_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Okay." Haynes said after hearing the story. "So what happened with Callie did so because she found out about your discussion?"

"You could say that. She saw Lauren kiss me. She never said anything at the time. She just said goodbye to Sofia because it was my night with her and left the hospital."

"So when did you see her next?"

"She knocked on my door, well Alex's door, at midnight."

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

_Bang! Bang! Bang!_

_Arizona swung the door open ready to yell at whoever was trying to wake up the entire house, including her daughter. She got a shock when a somewhat dishevelled Latina was leaning against the door frame._

"_Callie?" The blonde almost couldn't believe what she was seeing. She managed to move Callie away from the door and close it so they were both outside._

"_You!" Callie pointed with her finger but she was swaying uncontrollably._

"_Callie please be quiet. Why are you here? And why are you so drunk?"_

"_Oh sorry am I disturbing your evening?"_

"_You're disturbing everyone's evening."_

"_Well I'm sure Lauren will get over it."_

"_What? She isn't here."_

"_You don't have to lie. We aren't together. I told you to go for it."_

"_I told you that's not what I wanted."_

"_Well sorry if I don't believe you... Oh come on I saw you earlier. You kissed."_

"_She kissed me." The blonde suddenly joining the dots._

"_You kissed back." Callie knew she had seen that._

_Arizona couldn't argue. "Only for a second though; mainly because I missed you. When I realised... when I realised it wasn't you I ended it."_

"_Oh it only took you a second to realise. How long did it take you the last time?"_

"_Is that why you're here? Because you think I brought that woman home with me. With our daughter upstairs. Do you really think I would do that?"_

"_I'm here because I am angry!"_

"_And drunk."_

"_Well I went to Joe's and this cute woman kept buying me drinks."_

"_Really?" The peds surgeon couldn't help being angry even if she had no right._

"_Yeah; and I thought "Fuck you!" I can do it. I can sleep with somebody else. I can be reckless and break all of those promises. I can hurt you just as bad!"_

_Arizona looked to the floor. "Then why are you here?" She repeated her question only this time in a much smaller voice._

"_I'm here because I'm angry. I'm here because I couldn't do it." Her voice was just as small. "The second she put her hand on my arm, all I could think about was you. All I could think about was that... was that I still love you. That's why I'm angry. That's why I got so drunk; because I don't know how to feel love for you. You broke my heart. You smashed it into a million pieces so how is it possible to still love you?"_

_Blue eyes met Callie's again and they stared at each other for a while. They both just wanted answers. The brunette spoke again._

"_So maybe I'm not okay with you and that woman."_

"_She's gone. I made sure, after the kiss, I made sure that she knew we weren't gonna happen. I told her that I needed to recover. I needed to be a parent. It meant nothing. That's why this is all so dam stupid and painful. I lost everything because of something that meant nothing. I deserve to lose it; that's not what I'm saying."_

"_I know what you mean. You're wrong though. Maybe she meant nothing but what you did, that meant a lot. The actual physical... physical thing you did, it meant a great fucking deal. Coming face to face with it today, I couldn't handle it because it meant everything. Everything that was wrong with you and me... and everything that was wrong with us."_


	11. Chapter 11

"_I know what you mean. You're wrong though. Maybe she meant nothing but what you did, that meant a lot. The actual physical... physical thing you did, it meant a great fucking deal. Coming face to face with it today, I couldn't handle it because it meant everything. Everything that was wrong with you and me... and everything that was wrong with us."_

_Callie took a deep breath as Arizona just stared back at her. She looked as lost as the brunette._

"_You know this was a mistake. I'm gonna go."_

"_No." The other woman said defiantly. "You're not going anywhere in this state. You should come and get a cup of coffee." She was sure she'd be refused._

"_Yeah, you're probably right." Callie followed her into the house and went straight to the kitchen whilst Arizona went to the bottom of the stairs. Alex appeared at the top._

"_Is everything okay?"_

"_Yeah. Callie's just... everything's fine. Could you just check that Sofia is still asleep please?"_

_He nodded and disappeared for a moment before returning and assuring her that her daughter was still out like a light. When Arizona got into the kitchen and sat down at the table Callie was already sipping a cup of steaming coffee._

"_Sorry for the whole turning up drunk on your doorstep thing. And the yelling. I'm sorry for the yelling."_

"_It's okay; you didn't wake Sofia."_

"_Seeing you two earlier I just..."_

"_Sorry."_

"_I told you to stop saying that."_

_Did you mean what you said?"_

"_About what?"_

"_That you still... still love me."_

_Callie took another sip before replying._

"_Yes, that's why this is so hard." She suddenly felt even more uncomfortable sat opposite Arizona. "You know I should go. I shouldn't have come here."_

"_Hey I'm surprised you didn't have a melt down earlier."_

"_I guess I was trying to move forward. Get past this too quickly."_

"_Are you talking about me and Lauren or everything else?" It was a genuine question. The blonde wasn't trying to start another fight or start analysing their relationship again. They were both too tired for that. _

"_Both. I guess I did it again. Only this time I don't want to just fix us if we can't be fixed. I mean there are all of these feelings from before and now and..."_

"_It's too late and you're too drunk to make sense of it now."_

"_Yeah."_

"_I don't want us to force a fix between us either. I mean I want to be with you married happily but I know there's a strong chance that's not gonna happen. I know that's not what you want."_

"_I didn't say that."_

"_Right now that's not what you want. And we can't be anyway. We can't be happily married because I hurt you." Arizona then started to stare into space as if the other woman wasn't there._

_The ortho surgeon chugged the rest of her coffee and began to get out of her seat. She stopped when Arizona spoke again._

"_You should be with somebody else."_

"_Arizona." Callie was confused. She thought the other woman wanted them to work this out. Or to at least try._

"_I don't mean because you are drunk and angry. I mean if it just happens that you find someone who makes you happy, that isn't so fucked up. If you stop loving me... you deserve it. I've hurt you so many times..."_

"_It's too late and I'm too drunk remember." Callie interrupted._

"_I know, I'm just saying we need to figure out who we are now. It's like we were these two trees that twisted around each other as we grew and..."_

"_Ended up starving each other of light?"_

"_Something like that." Arizona said as she rested her chin on her hands and her elbows on the table. She rubbed her temples with her fingers. "You don't need to leave tonight though. You can sleep in my room and I'll go on the couch."_

_Callie shook her head. "No, I'll have the couch. I'd prefer you near Sofia if she wakes up than me in this state."_

"Okay, so an intense twenty four hours then?" Haynes summarised. It was now Callie sat in front of her on the couch but she was thinking about the drive into work this morning. It was civil and Sofia was always enough of a distraction. There was one image she couldn't get out of her mind though. Arizona's hand on the steering wheel.

"Arizona wasn't wearing her wedding ring this morning."

"You haven't worn yours in weeks." The shrink pointed out.

"I know but... I don't know." She gave up trying to word what she was feeling.

"You think that she is taking this discovering who you both are separately a little too seriously?"

"Maybe." The brunette shrugged as her thoughts became somewhat clearer. "We got into this problem because she slept with someone else. Taking the ring off is just gonna attract more people- not just sluts who don't give a crap about somebody's marriage!" She was quickly working herself up and tried to control her temper. The hang over probably wasn't helping.

"Is that how you see Arizona?"

"What?"

"As a slut who don't give a crap about somebody's marriage?"

"No I meant Boswell. Arizona is different. She's not... she was struggling and traumatised. She still is. Not that I'm okay with it I mean she did a slutty thing and... but... AHHH! Why'd you have to confuse me?"

"I'm not. Your emotions are what are confusing you. I'm just drawing your attention to them." Haynes defended. "Arizona did not take her ring off to attract other women."

"I know. At least I think I know. It could happen though."

"She doesn't believe that she could really attract another woman. Lauren Boswell was a surprise. She never knew who Arizona used to be and it made her feel truly beautiful."

"So my attention wasn't enough."

"When you think about Arizona as if she was stood in front of you, how many legs does she have?"

"Arizona has one leg and one prosthetic."

"But when you think of her without consciously thinking of her. In that first second, how many does she have?"

Callie's face softened and she spoke honestly. "Two."

"You see her the way she was. That's not your fault Callie. You knew her for years before this and you are still adjusting but it's also not enough to boost Arizona's self confidence."

"Okay, so why'd she take off her ring?"

"You're asking the wrong question again."

"So what should I ask?" Callie was growing frustrated.

"Why did she continue to wear it?"

"Well because she wants us to resolve all of our issues. She wants us to be married." That was obvious.

"She doesn't just want it. Arizona is desperate for that to happen. She has been hoping that there is hope for the both of you."

"I told her that I loved her last night. Despite everything." She realised.

"Exactly. That gave her enough hope to stop clinging to what you were to each other. She also clearly sees that it won't be easy or perhaps even possible but she is in a better position now to heal than before."

"And what about me?"

"We'll work on you too." Haynes promised with a smile and Callie actually believed her.

She leant back against the couch and rubbed her eyes. "I tell her I love her and she takes off her wedding ring. Doesn't that just sum up how screwed up we've become."

"She just understands that maybe you're not completely over. And hey, so do you."

"I don't think we'd ever be completely over."

"Arizona knows you need the chance to see if you could not only know how to love her again but also if you can forgive her. And on that note, I have told Arizona the same thing as I'm about to suggest to you."

"Okay." Callie responded in an unsure tone.

"I think it would be a good idea to spend this next week apart. You have a schedule for Sofia and unless you have to work a case together, have an unavoidable board meeting or there's an emergency, I want you to avoid each other."

"We already kind of did that."

"Not exactly. When you left the state with Sofia everything was raw. Now you are both coming across all of these feelings and you need a chance for the dust to settle. It's also a way to start getting used to being a separated couple as that maybe the outcome from all of this."

"Is Arizona okay with this?"

"Yes. We are about to get into some crucial topics and her thoughts need to be as clear as possible."

"What kind of crucial topics?"

"I can't tell you until after we've discussed them."

"Okay I can do the avoidance thing."

"Good. I'll see you for another joint session in seven days then?"

"Sure."


End file.
